Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Randomize
