Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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