Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
