Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
