my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
