So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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