I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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