upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
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I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
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Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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