You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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