I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
