9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
