Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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