I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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