so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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