he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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