The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
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