hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
