I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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