those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
