M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
