I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
