Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Couch. On fire.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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