She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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