I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
