Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
