so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
