i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
