Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
