You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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