Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
