You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
