I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
