i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
