your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
