I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
