Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
4 words: hood of his car
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize