Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
