I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
