its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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