WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
