I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
