my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
