I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
