sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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