shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
