If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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