I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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