he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
