thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
