I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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