nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
