I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
