Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
