I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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