I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
