Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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