Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Randomize
