You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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