You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
